CPTSD and Aphantasia

I just found out that I have aphantasia and I’ve been so happy and also very excited to tell anyone that I can’t make mental images in my head but everyone is asleep. So I am wide awake thinking and decided I’d share a little bit. I have had PTSD since 3 due to a trauma I cannot recall. It got worse with age as I survived multiple other traumas. But I could never explain how I felt…. I would try and I am now also diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and severe psychosis and anxiety. I take medication daily for everything but always struggled to explain how my mind processed events. Instead of flashbacks, I would feel the sensations and emotions of the trauma but never see images unless they were very harmful moments. Then I’d see a little more than I think is possible for me. When I try to imagine anything, all I see is darkness. Like a TV that won’t turn on but you know is on and has to be on because I can hear myself think and I can feel sensations and thoughts constantly but no visuals. I do dream but when I do, they are usually nightmares. Which used to be completely trauma based but have now almost gone away with my medicine and cannabis I take daily for the PTSD. It has been so hard to think and STOP thinking that I occasionally (ok, I lied. Everyday!) I will wonder “what is off in me? What can I do to be happier?” And the truth I feel is, nothing. I can’t magically not have PTSD but knowing that what I feel is not something out of the ordinary has brought me some peace. I now have more questions but more than anything, I am really glad to have a space to ask if maybe anyone¬† else would like to share their experiences with PTSD (or CPTSD) and aphantasia? What has it been like for you?

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