Recently, I was in discussion with one of my friends about sexual attraction and aphantasia. Has anyone got any experience with asexuality/demisexuality and aphantasia? Also how do other people find aphantasia affects their ability to fantasise or sex drive?
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I’ve realized my sexual attraction just isn’t the same as other people; I can’t fantasize about being with that person. I can’t see myself protecting them from danger, being intimate with them, etc. So I’ve personally never dated anyone or really felt any attraction towards anyone (and I’m turning 20 tomorrow).
I’ve wondered if I’m on the aro/ace/demi spectrum. I have other ace friends I talk to them about stuff, but none have aphantasia either, so it isn’t fully the same. However, I have heard other aphants being married and being in relationships and such, so having aphantasia doesn’t automatically mean being asexual. It is possible though asexuality is more common in aphants?
One of my friends is a lesbian and is also asexual. She always talks about longing to be with girls, but I have never felt that longing before to relate to her. It’s overwhelming for her, but it’s something I’ve never felt, and I don’t think I ever could feel. It’s strange, feeling that disconnect for love.
But Hannah, you’re not alone. You can also DM me if you want to talk more about things.
I too have wondered a lot about being somewhat ace/aro/demi, and it seems likely for me, but yes still understanding what feels like a disconnect from love is a difficult one. I think part of it for me is when they’re not actually with me, I feel very disconnected from them, mostly because I can’t see or hear them, and I almost forget what they’re like in a sense.
I get that too! If I’m away from someone for a long period of time, I forgot what they’re like and don’t miss them. It’s like when I went away for a trip to Europe with my high school; my mother sobbed because she missed me, that I was going away without her, but I was fine. I didn’t miss my family at all during that time. And it was freeing then, but looking back on it now, I feel somewhat guilty for not missing them. It’s a strange feeling.
There’s a masterpost I read called “Are you a lesbian?” (I can link it if you want it) and it accounts for ways people have realized they’re a lesbian. A lot of the ways people found out involved visualization and mostly for (sexual) fantasies they would have. Some examples would be fantasies that they’re the man in a m/f relationship, or the woman isn’t them, or the male’s face is a black void and featureless. And this isn’t relateble to me because I don’t have fantasies at all. So it’s been hard for me to tell if I’m even attracted to dudes in real life.
I want to also say for this thread, I appreciate ya’ll for being open minded about other sexualities; I was really debating on whether I should make my own thread because I didn’t know how people would react. I was really happy to see this thread. So thanks.
This is so intriguing to me. Very much relate to everything you say you’re experiencing. Except I have no trouble missing someone. In fact, I am permanently in a state of missing the people I love (even if they are literally next door), since I can’t dream up an animated image of them talking, laughing etc. in my head. But I vividly remember and get attached to the positive/negative feelings they radiated when i was last with them. This makes me pretty depressed when I’m alone for a long time. Actual images of people are my absolute life-support.
Also interested to know how this affects patterns of asexuality, because i have been speculating what caused me to conclude my own asexuality. Also appreciating the diversity talked about here :))
This is an interesting question, much like most Aphant related ones as we all grasp to understand our minds that are not as we have been led to believe all our lives.
I was recently discussing Aphantasia with a friend who is a non-aphant and she was asking if I had ever been in love. I replied that of course I had, i’ve been with my partner for over 30 years after all! But the more she described what she believed as the fellings of being in love, the more I wondered if I ever really had been in love at all, or if I actually just believed I had, because that was what other people did.
Do I have a sex drive? Yeah, of course I do, but maybe not as pronounced as other people, I enjoy sex, but it is not something I strive for in life.
Can I fantasise about sex? That’s an issue, not really, in about the same way as I can imagine anything without actually seeing it in my mind. One interesting thing I have found is that I find audio pornography more arousing than video pornography, bit of a shame that it is so hard to find (ooh-err madam!).
I must agree with this post in or so many ways:
I too have been married for over 30 years but when asked about LOVE I don’t grasp what I think others believe is Love.
It is not just LOVE that I now realise is not “normal” its all feelings. I don’t have a sense of humour (well not like the majority). I don’t feel hatred for others no matter what they do.
Also SEX is not a must in my life, at can leave it without a problem.
Fantasy is the product of an imagination and I for one don’t have it.
I agree with the hatred thing! All of my friends don’t understand how I do it but I don’t really feel hatred towards people. I can’t exactly speak much for the feelings of love, but it certainly is interesting. I do have a strong sense of humour
This may be rather off topic, but for years I've heard people refer to "undressing with your eyes", usually in reference to a woman. I always wondered how that made any difference, but now realize that I just can't do it at all. I can't imagine anyone I'm looking at as being dreassed any differently than they are at the moment.
By the way, I think that I'm pretty much demisexual, too. Without an emotional connection with a woman, I really don't feel interested in having sex with them.
for me, i connect with ideas. like they say in Chess, "i get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine". i may or may not have ADHD (one of my children does and i certainly relate to the way that he thinks more than i do my other kids) so its hard to tease out what is what
Thank you for this thread.
About 6 months ago, I was at a workshop for my job, and I discovered that I may be demisexual. I’ve never really been attracted to random people. I can recognize when someone is attractive, but I don’t feel an physical urge unless I have feelings for a person.
Today, as a result of the viral “red star” Facebook post, I discovered I may also be Aphant. I’ve never been able to picture objects in other rooms. Though I’m great with math, geometry, and geography, I can’t picture decor or new items in a location. Makes sense if I am in fact Aphant, and it would further your conclusion that the two may be connected.
I’m looking more into Aphantasia (which is how I stumbled across this) to determine if I really might be, but I couldn’t help adding my new self-discoveries on the thread. I am in a very stable, long-term, monogamous relationship, and before this, I was in a long-term monogamous relationship. I also very much enjoy sex with my partners, and am not asexual.
Crazy connections here.
Thank you for this thread.
About 6 months ago, I was at a workshop for my job, and I discovered that I may be demisexual. I’ve never really been attracted to random people. I can recognize when someone is attractive, but I don’t feel an physical urge unless I have feelings for a person.
Today, as a result of the viral "red star" Facebook post, I discovered I may also be Aphant. I’ve never been able to picture objects in other rooms. Though I’m great with math, geometry, and geography, I can’t picture decor or new items in a location. Makes sense if I am in fact Aphant, and it would further your conclusion that the two may be connected.
I’m looking more into Aphantasia (which is how I stumbled across this) to determine if I really might be, but I couldn’t help adding my new self-discoveries on the thread. I am in a very stable, long-term, monogamous relationship, and before this, I was in a long-term monogamous relationship. I also very much enjoy sex with my partners, and am not asexual.
Crazy connections here.
I completely relate to all of this! Asexual and have aphantasia as well.
I wonder how those 2 areas of the brain could possibly be linked though – so annoying that there aren’t any comparison brain scans of people with/without aphantasia
May it be all connected? is aphantasia related to emotions/feelings too? just as people can "see" memories, can they also "feel" them? feel like they felt?, I’ve always felt like an emotional golden fish, out of sight out of mind, I know how I felt but there is no emotion attached to it, is like someone in my head is coldly telling me what happened. Which is great to make level headed desitions but not much for keeping relationships; and require an intellectual effort and attention to not hurt others. But it may also be related to the fact that I may be Aspie (although the term is not longer used).
I have noticed over the past few years that I am becoming increasingly asexual, but I’m not sure whether this is related to my aphantasia.
When I was a red-blooded teenager, images of naked women turned me on, but these days, they have no effect on me whatsoever.
It’s possible, of course, that my asexuality could be the result of being widowed about 22 months ago.
I saw myself as demisexual, because if I see people (passing by or meeting someone for the first time) I don’t see them in a sexual way. Of course I realize if I personally find someone attractive or not really, but it’s not about that sex appeal. If I get to know them and if we’re dating and getting closer I definitely want to be intimate with them and have sex (in the beginning as often as possible but – as for all couples I think – with years it’s getting of course less ; )
Friends (who can fantasize) told me how much they enjoy to touch themselves (because of their fantasies) but me I hundred percent prefer a close person next to me, to be intimate with. If they are not here, I do miss my partners, but just after two, three weeks the feeling of missing starts…
this is an interesting question that came up for me right away when i learned i was total aphant. i do consider myself to be close to the ‘a’ end of the sexual spectrum, and i now realise that lack of inner imagery may contribute to that, because in order to get sexually aroused i need to hear sequences of words and tones rather than having a playlist of images, and its honestly so much work, i cant be bothered. but if others can ‘see’ arousing images and get turned on.. that explains so much!! it also makes me wonder about the prevelance of pornography. i have nevr found it of any interest and mostly distasteful tbh, but maybe people with inner visuals get a different sort of triggering effect in their brain. this also brings up my sensitivity to spoken words and strong or hurtful language aimed at me. if my intimate partners ever, in or out of sexual context, speak cruelly or harshly to me, i cant help it, i lose all sexual interest in them, even if theyve sincerely apologized. and i wonder now about not having images to bolster my inner defenses so that words are more strongly felt, and i think i have perhaps a verbal recall ability to re hear things in my head, rather than a visual recall.
So glad I came across this thread!
Such a complicated topic. Most of my life I considered myself to be mostly asexual, although that word never felt quite right. The term demisexual is new to me, but after looking it up I would say that it definitely applies. Basically, I’m only attracted to people I am emotionally bonded to, but it’s very rare that I bond to anyone. That’s true even in terms of my friends. I have to force myself to take interest in anyone that I’m not emotionally bonded to and it’s super rare that I bond to anyone. I should note here that I am a total multi-sensory aphant,
Since learning about Aphantasia I have wondered about the connection between people’s ability to bond with others and their ability to revisit their memories of people (or create fantasies) in their minds. How much does the imagination reaffirm or strengthen people’s feelings for others?
I have struggled with my sexuality my entire life. I considered myself heterosexual, but struggled with desire, arousal and poor sexual experiences. I am 54 and spent a lifetime not understanding what all the fuss was about when it came to sex with a partner. I did just fine alone, but it was just me, a toy and a totally blank mind. People talked about fantasies and I didn’t have any – or if I did, they were more auditory or olfactory or tactile memories, not visual, and I never made up pictures in my mind…because I see blackness. I thought I was totally screwed up. Add to it that I am a sexual, emotional and physical trauma survivor and I thought I was just one messed up chick. This year, I stumbled across the term aphantasia and realized I have had it my whole life. I see blackness. I can’t even recall my own childrens’ faces without looking at pictures. Then, my husband recently told me he thought I was asexual and that I wasn’t screwed up at all, that this was just who I am. I rebelled against that of course because it also felt like it was just me being a total trainwreck and everything was my fault. But I started looking into it and found that demisexual is on the asexuality spectrum. I think that is me. I sue develop attraction for someone but only if I have a strong emotional bond with that person already. Also, as someone else mentioned, it doesn’t take much for that bond to break for me and once it does, I can’t get the attraction back no matter what I do. Now, today, I’ve come across information like this which shows that there is a far higher prevalence of aphantasics in the asexual population than in the normal one. In the population at large, aphantasia makes up only 2-3%. In the asexual population, it is as high as 47%. That is staggering and I have to think our inability to fantasize has a ton to do with our difficulties with connecting sexually. I’m not sure how I feel about all these discoveries yet. I know I’m lonely and feel like I’ve missed out my whole life, but sadly I don’t think finding out this information is going to improve that much. It just puts a label on my problems that I didn’t have before.
I‘m a bisexual-I think it’s probably because I am sexual attracted by people’s “flow” instead of gender or only appearance.
I wouldn’t prefer people with some particular face feature, but I love person with a plump shape and I love people with low pigtails.
I describe the face which can attract me most as a hamster face – so cute!
BTW I have dacryphilia lol watching videos about people crying can make me sexually excited. People’s sobbing works most, but I also like to observe tears running down people’s face. I will even let myself’s eyes open to make me “fake cry”. I don’t know if aphantasia affects me in someway about it. I mean, I think most of the time I’m lonely.
Hannah, hi!
My name is Valerie, I live in Brazil and I think maybe your experience can help me to figure out how to make my life more “normal”.
I found out about aphantasia through Mr. Adam Zeman, the doctor that discovered this disturb/transtorn.
Can you share your contact with me?
I want to talk about it with someone that can understand me, but I don’t want to share private information here, in the web.
Thanks!
I can discuss these issues with you. I have severe aphantasia, and the workarounds I have used to compensate for the symptoms have turned into a successful, well-paying career for me. I didn’t know I had aphantasia until January 2021, but I had long been using tricks since I was young to live a “normal” life, without really understanding why I was different.
We can discuss in English or in Spanish, whichever language you are more comfortable with.
My email: patrick.hayes.jr@gmail.com
My phone# for text messages or WhatsApp: +1-801-310-7277
Would love to respond to this by raising a question for everyone in the forum …have you watched this talk and what does it say to you? https://www.ted.com/talks/gina_gutierrez_the_link_between_sex_and_imagination/transcript
Do you think “yeah, I can totally do that because the stories would activate something” or are you thinking “this would never work because step one requires images”.
