Do your memories feel more like movies or more like facts?

September 29, 20192 min readByTom Ebeyer

If you ask me to recall an event from my life, I can tell you what happened—but it's more like reciting trivia than reliving an experience.

Take a rough breakup I went through many years ago. I can tell you how sad I felt, and how it lead to me driving solo across Canada from Ontario to Vancouver to clear my head. I can tell you the details about the car I was driving—a company vehicle with my family business decal plastered on the side. I know that it took me 3 full days, one way, with several stops. How I slept in the car and the feeling of accomplishment when I finally put my toes into the Pacific for the first time.

I can tell you all these facts. But I'm not reliving any of it. There's no visual replay. No sensory experience. No "seeing" the highway stretch ahead or "feeling" the steering wheel under my hands.

It's just... information. A list of things I know happened.

For most of my life, I had no idea this was different. I assumed everyone experienced memories this way—as facts you recall rather than moments you re-experience. It wasn't until much later that I learned some people actually see their past, like watching home movies in their mind. Do your memories feel more like movies or more like facts?

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Helen Marsh•recently

No movies in my head. I have two very intelligent children - "gifted"! - but my son has often been impressed with my thinking. I used to explain this as my brain is a normal size computer but I have a very efficient operating system. When I realised that I probably have aphantasia that made perfect sense. I use my brain efficiently because it is not filled up with videos - you know how much space video takes in a computer! I think aphantasia is an evolutionary advance. Aphantasics think better. I don't know whether I have SDAM. I remember quite sufficient of my past. I think that I do tend to remember occasions where a photograph has been taken - or at least remember that there is a photograph. I am wondering whether my aphantasia makes it harder to learn Japanese characters?

Irma Vermeer•recently•edited

My memories are for the most part a pile of facts, but it's like a spider web. If I recall an event and list the immediate bits I remember, those bits act as a memory jog where I get access to more and more details about the event. The amount of stuff I remember from an event I'm told is very impressive, but unfortunately a spider web of bits doesn't have a chronological order, so it's a mess! In turn the side effect is that people find it hard to believe what I'm saying because they're wondering whether I'm making things up on the spot. As for sensory details, just emotion. Emotion is so vivid, it's as if a memory can make me feel the way I felt when I was there. If my mind gets bored, it's a game of chance which memories will come up, but the most "emotionally loaded" memories have the highest chance, until the replays slowly desensitize the memory. With both CPTSD and Trauma Anxiety, being able to "bask" in the emotion from different memories is both a blessing and a curse. The good is really good, the bad is really bad. The only good thing my mind seems to do about the most traumatic memories is that they get "blocked" to a degree, so I'm left with a "rough outline" of what happened and their emotion, along with the full physical symptoms which leave me scratching my head half the time.

Juliette BEHA•recently

Thanks to this website, I’m now pretty sure I do have aphantasia, visual and auditive. It is said that it’s not a disability, but I believe that it has to be said that it impacted my whole life. But well, this isn’the question here. I have a very fresh example : I just spent three intense days, and wanted to tell my relatives what happened. But to be able to recall the memories, I have to start with the beginning, and detail facts. Only verbalising allow me to recall the memory. Or writing it down. When it is “into” me, it has no form, it’s a mess, no picture, no words. And often, if I don’t put it out quickly, it fades away, just like a dream. I have several mental health conditions, including ASD, ADHD, BPD and C-PTSD, that explained those memory issues, but during my therapy, I’ve often been asked to close my eyes and visualise. And since my psychs didn’t know what aphantasia is, they didn’t understand when I was reporting that I see nothing. So, sometimes, I was faking it. Maybe this was normal ? But those kind of exercises never gave any results. Now I understand why. When I tell people I have this condition, they are surprised, or don’t trust me : I draw, write, create from scratch. But the thing is I’m making art because without it, there’s only chaos inside. And, the thing is, I never know what I will create until I make it. I can’t previsualise. So, it’s pretty logical. At last, It was quite hard to tell if I was aphantasic or not : how can I tell I miss a sense if I never experienced it ? Like daltonians, realising they can’t see some colors very late in their life. The apple test, with the point, allowed me to say : ok, I AM aphantasic. Thank you for reading !

Juliette BEHA•recently

Excuse me for the approximative English, I’m French and not very fluent.

Glenn Lorton•recently

I remember facts but zero visuals. I have a very hard time remembering most all past events and even those I remember I do not remember much detail. Others can bring out memories in a limited way by talking about those times. I do not remember emotions other than vaguely. I generally am pretty much just living in the present.

LeVesque Carolyn•recently

I certainly don't recall any event as if it was a home movie, more like a book I know I've read but end up reading again because I can' remember how it ended. Two weddings, two births, lots of birthdays and just facts and photos. I worked 20 yrs at a high school and there is little I can tell you about it - just a handful of stories. I even had to contact my daughter to ask if I was there when her child was born 23 yrs ago - I couldn't remember (she says I was). I have little emotion attached to events of the past or the people in it. When I was a child there was a traumatic event in our family. My sister is still processing it and I've been "over it" since the day it happened. My aphantasia is complete across the senses, I can't "dwell on the past," I just meet the new day and see what it brings.

Juliette BEHA•recently

Interesting ! I do take a lot of pictures with my phone, otherwise I can’t remember anything. I also take a lot of selfies : not because I’m a narcissist (or, not only haha), but because I need to let tracks behind me. I have identity disorder, so without pictures, I don’t remember who I was, even a week ago. Kind of disturbing.

Lillian Tarnow•recently

Having just read Tom Ebeyer's comments about memory and Maarten Serneels article about SDAM I am feeling normalized (?). So many odd and disturbing thing about myself, like lack of childhood (and adulthood) memories, very few long term relationships and no real nostalgia for past family holidays or other events. What a relief to know that I am not deficient, just a bit different. And then again not so different from other people I am learning from and about since finding aphantasia. Thanks to everyone who has shared their experience here.

Justin Chamberlain•recently

I feel like this is the first time my memory has been described correctly. I believe I have SDAM as I can only remember things from my childhood if I've seen a picture of that event within the last 10 years or so. I only have one memory that I can think of that brings back strong emotions (negative emotion) from about 12 years ago. I feel like I'm missing out on being able to retell stories about my childhood as I just don't remember what happened... I don't have a bad short term memory (usually) but, my long term memory continues to get worse and worse. I'm only 27 and as I learn more about Aphantasia and how my brain works, I get more and more worried that I'm going to forget other key moments of my life (wedding day, daughter being born, etc).

Reg Forsaith•recently

I was worried about my memory well before I found out I was Aphantasiac.I'd put my name down for a university study to get trhings checked out.The waiting list was long.I then had my epiphany and realised that I wasn't visualising.I wondereded if this was connected too.I recently got the call and spent 4 gruelling sessions getting tested.Some things were easy, some nigh on impossible.I got the results back on Tuesday and found to my surprise that I'm rather bright ( top 98percentile)and top 99.5 percentile for a couple of task types) and my memory was above average, but not as good ( 77percentile and 82 percentile) for the two types of memory tested.So I don't have early onset dementia, but the things that worried my might be explained, I was told, by trauma, stress, andopiod pain killers.So no link between lost time, missing memories and Aphantasia for me.Maybe you could contact your local universities and see if they can check you out too?Might give you a deeper insight.

Fenella Kennedy•recently

I have an exceptionally good memory, especially for text and conversation. I can remember vivid emotional and verbal details of past events, especailly if I'm in the same location again. I don't have a strong experience of nostalgia - but then I don't have a lot of good past to miss!

Iblis Bane•recently

Same for me. My memory for text etc. is very good. Can recite reams of poetry etc. if called upon to do so. (Happens surprisingly rarely. ;) ) Faces I have a problem with, until I have met the person many times and "learned" the combination of features that comprises their self. I experience memories as if I were reading myself a page of printed text with the details of the memory. I do have a problem with the passage of time though. I tend to greatly underestimate how long ago personal memories were...if I say "recently" I mean some time within the past year or so. "The other day" is within 3 months usually. :D

Space Anarchist•recently

I don't have the ability to relive or re-experience memories, but in my case it doesn't seem to impair my ability to recall the details. My memory does seem to be more non-linear than average; it takes a conscious effort to sort things into sequential order. I also have a poor memory for specific sensory details like people's faces and voices. But I have no problem with the general components of narrative memory: who, where, when, what, why and how. Oddly enough, I do have nostalgia even though I don't relive memories. In my case, it's because I form emotional attachments to places. I think I'm one of the lucky ones -- I don't need mental time travel in order to have a strong sense of personal history and identity. To me, actually reliving a memory sounds like a bizarre oddity.

Jennifer McDougall•recently

This is a very interesting question. There is some early evidence that suggests aphantasia might be linked to another phenomenon known as Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory, or SDAM for short. Autobiographical memory is defined as both the recollection of personal past events (i.e. special events from your past) and factual knowledge about oneself (i.e. your favourite food as a kid). People with SDAM have reported an ability to remember details about an event (because they've either seen a photo or deliberately learnt a story about what happened) but they cannot "picture" being there. This means that while they cannot experience the nostalgia of 'reliving the best times in life,' the upside is that they can’t recall the pain associated with the bad things either. This makes them far less likely to hold grudges as they can’t conjure up the emotion that made them feel bad in the first place. Pretty neat! Wish I was this way... Some aphants have reported having both conditions present. You can read more about Susie McKinnon's experience here. Does this experience sound familiar? What's your memory like?

Nachum Pereferkovich•recently

The issue of nostalgia is an interesting point. Could it be that a complete lack of nostalgia is a symptom SDAM ? I left my native country at 26, and have been living in another place for 48 years; but never experienced nostalgia. Also, at the age of 10, I almost drowned in an industrial pool; I always remember this situation, and even see something; but never experienced a sense of horror.

Aimee Seaver•recently

My memory seems about average. I learn and remember best by doing the thing. If I've done something a few times then it's easy to remember, feels like it gets put in a permanent storage place in my brain. I can remember visual details of things if I put purposeful effort into it. The details are kept in a list of attributes like "Red shirt, short sleeves, fits loose" and such. I do have trouble recognizing people, it's not face blindness... it's just hard to remember someone unelss we had a particularly interesting conversation or dance (I go tango dancing a lot) or they happen to have a really really unique appearence that's easy to log in words in my head. Remembering first person events in my life tends to take the shape of words spoken + words describing the event, what I was feeling emotionally (if anything), and sometimes physical memory (I have a physical sense in my memory/imagination instead of visual, so not full aphantasia)