Sexual Attraction and Aphantasia

DiscussionsCategory: QuestionsSexual Attraction and Aphantasia
Hannah LaurenHannah Lauren asked 2 months ago

Recently, I was in discussion with one of my friends about sexual attraction and aphantasia. Has anyone got any experience with asexuality/demisexuality and aphantasia? Also how do other people find aphantasia affects their ability to fantasise or sex drive?

7 Answers
Rachel CicconeRachel C answered 2 months ago

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I’ve realized my sexual attraction just isn’t the same as other people; I can’t fantasize about being with that person. I can’t see myself protecting them from danger, being intimate with them, etc. So I’ve personally never dated anyone or really felt any attraction towards anyone (and I’m turning 20 tomorrow).

I’ve wondered if I’m on the aro/ace/demi spectrum. I have other ace friends I talk to them about stuff, but none have aphantasia either, so it isn’t fully the same. However, I have heard other aphants being married and being in relationships and such, so having aphantasia doesn’t automatically mean being asexual. It is possible though asexuality is more common in aphants?

One of my friends is a lesbian and is also asexual. She always talks about longing to be with girls, but I have never felt that longing before to relate to her. It’s overwhelming for her, but it’s something I’ve never felt, and I don’t think I ever could feel. It’s strange, feeling that disconnect for love.

But Hannah, you’re not alone. You can also DM me if you want to talk more about things.

Hannah LaurenHannah Lauren replied 1 week ago

I too have wondered a lot about being somewhat ace/aro/demi, and it seems likely for me, but yes still understanding what feels like a disconnect from love is a difficult one. I think part of it for me is when they’re not actually with me, I feel very disconnected from them, mostly because I can’t see or hear them, and I almost forget what they’re like in a sense.

Rachel CicconeRachel C replied 1 week ago

I get that too! If I’m away from someone for a long period of time, I forgot what they’re like and don’t miss them. It’s like when I went away for a trip to Europe with my high school; my mother sobbed because she missed me, that I was going away without her, but I was fine. I didn’t miss my family at all during that time. And it was freeing then, but looking back on it now, I feel somewhat guilty for not missing them. It’s a strange feeling.

There’s a masterpost I read called “Are you a lesbian?” (I can link it if you want it) and it accounts for ways people have realized they’re a lesbian. A lot of the ways people found out involved visualization and mostly for (sexual) fantasies they would have. Some examples would be fantasies that they’re the man in a m/f relationship, or the woman isn’t them, or the male’s face is a black void and featureless. And this isn’t relateble to me because I don’t have fantasies at all. So it’s been hard for me to tell if I’m even attracted to dudes in real life.

I want to also say for this thread, I appreciate ya’ll for being open minded about other sexualities; I was really debating on whether I should make my own thread because I didn’t know how people would react. I was really happy to see this thread. So thanks.

Max BarberMax Barber answered 1 month ago

This is an interesting question, much like most Aphant related ones as we all grasp to understand our minds that are not as we have been led to believe all our lives.

I was recently discussing Aphantasia with a friend who is a non-aphant and she was asking if I had ever been in love. I replied that of course I had, i’ve been with my partner for over 30 years after all! But the more she described what she believed as the fellings of being in love, the more I wondered if I ever really had been in love at all, or if I actually just believed I had, because that was what other people did.

Do I have a sex drive? Yeah, of course I do, but maybe not as pronounced as other people, I enjoy sex, but it is not something I strive for in life.

Can I fantasise about sex? That’s an issue, not really, in about the same way as I can imagine anything without actually seeing it in my mind. One interesting thing I have found is that I find audio pornography more arousing than video pornography, bit of a shame that it is so hard to find (ooh-err madam!).

Trevor DavisTrevor Davis replied 3 weeks ago

I must agree with this post in or so many ways:
I too have been married for over 30 years but when asked about LOVE I don’t grasp what I think others believe is Love.
It is not just LOVE that I now realise is not “normal” its all feelings. I don’t have a sense of humour (well not like the majority). I don’t feel hatred for others no matter what they do.
Also SEX is not a must in my life, at can leave it without a problem.
Fantasy is the product of an imagination and I for one don’t have it.

Hannah LaurenHannah Lauren replied 1 week ago

I agree with the hatred thing! All of my friends don’t understand how I do it but I don’t really feel hatred towards people. I can’t exactly speak much for the feelings of love, but it certainly is interesting. I do have a strong sense of humour

Maggie MortonMaggie Morton answered 1 week ago

for me, i connect with ideas. like they say in Chess, "i get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine". i may or may not have ADHD (one of my children does and i certainly relate to the way that he thinks more than i do my other kids) so its hard to tease out what is what

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