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Curious what aphantasia means? Ask questions, share perspectives. Connect with many minds.

Questions
Posted byAuri'An Lay
on

Hi – I’ve only recently arrived at the conclusion that I have aphantasia.  Not only visualisation, I also cannot conjure up taste, smell, sound, touch.  I do not dream.

I am a Meditation Therapist and Spiritual teacher, and in  the course of my Spiritual work I ‘meet’ with people from around the world within meditation.  I seem to have developed a ‘language’ of Energy within meditation that can be surprisingly exact.  For example, If I meditate at the same time as two other people from different parts of the world, and we agree to visualise a round table to sit at, I will know who is sitting at which position – who is on my right and who is on my left.  I “know” my Spiritual teacher as a blue sphere edged in silver and smelling of vanilla cookies – despite that I know she is human and I do not see blue, silver, a sphere or smell cookies of any flavour!

I suspect (after just watching a video on You Tube) that I have Spatial Imagery as I can mentally turn myself to face a specific direction.  For example, I learned right from left as a very small child by facing a specific wall in our apartment and knowing that the door on the right was to the bedroom and the door to the left to the kitchen.  I still orient myself to this remembrance to sort out left from right even though I don’t see anything and that memory is about 65 years ago!

I only discovered that people actually see, smell, taste, feel within their ‘imagination’ when studying for my Diploma in Meditation Therapy and Holistic Counselling, when my tutor mentioned that it was best to not give detailed visualisations when writing a meditation script as not everyone can visualise.  That caused quite a bit of confusion – “What do you mean?  People can actually, truly, see a tree in their heads??”

I’m curious – do other people with aphantasia dream?  I have had just two dreams in my life, both as a child when under general anaesthetic, and

Does anyone else meditate and experience a rich Spiritual experience without visualisation.  Have you developed a ‘language’ of Knowing.

General
on

I am seeing a lot of people finding Aphantasia as something other than a condition…the “it’s simply a different way of experiencing life” argument. And I agree. Or Agreed. Until I realized that our experience is one in which we are literally not playing with a full deck…we are operating on a premise that is not providing us with only partial information and if we were afforded the same information or “abilities” (because I cannot forecast or foresee things that I have not already experienced in my life…I can recall things and impute things, but if it’s something that I’ve never gone through, then it’s not that real to me, as if I do not grasp the concept until I go through it). This altered my life and I have just recently realized it. And I’m pissed.

My whole story and why I’m pissed is in my Post in Discussions, the title is something like “How Has Aphantasia Affected You’re Life Decisions”. But, in essence, I was an attorney for 15 years (and I worked in the same law firm for 15 years before that because that was the “family farm”). So, I was there from 11 years old as a copyboy to 41 as a lead attorney, generating more income than the rest of the firm combined, was like a phenom at my job, won Best Attorney for years (even the year I quit), lived a extravagant life, threw money at everything, had bags and shoes and cars and boys and so much cocaine (which I’m realizing was my Happy Place escape…because one day that addiction just shut off and never bothered me again). It was everything you’d see in a music video. But, at the end of the day, I hated it because I never wanted to be a lawyer…I just could never see another way. Now I know I am unable to see forks in the road or to envision myself in a profession I have not experienced/worked in before. And even though I would end up being a great attorney, I knew (and I know) that I’d be good at anything I did…you know, except trying to figure out what to do when I grow up. And I quit all those times and sat there thinking how inadequate I must be because I can’t find something else to do. But it wasn’t me being inadequate, it was my Aphantasia and IF had I known I had this, then I would have sought counsel or something to help me. But without knowing that I have it, each time I looked at another profession, I couldn’t see myself doing it, and since I could always see myself being a lawyer, lawyer it must be, right? Even if my gut told me NO.

Then, in a perfect storm of events over my lifetime, I started becoming what I know now was falsely confident. The entire time I was running that law game I was increasingly feeling like I was manifesting my destiny and I kept getting more and more successful so I MUST HAVE been manifesting correctly, right? However, in reality, I was the best because I’m smart, I seek counsel or help when I need it and I never stopped working, up to 100 hours a week, I only knew to say yes to every client, and no matter how much staff I added, my micromanagement style is NOT supposed to ever be in charge of a business. But the money kept coming, WAY outside what is normal in the city I live, so again, I must be manifesting this, right? I believed or convinced myself that it was my “lack of goal-setting” or the fact that I was not thinking about my profession’s trajectory that was making that very trajectory happen. Thus, my “manifesting” was “do nothing to further your business and the universe is abundant so more will come” and more kept coming. Now, at this point, I was being reinforced in my erroneous thought that I’m following what every quote on Pinterest is saying by taking them ACTUALLY LITERALLY…like “BE YOU”, “Dance like no one is watching”, “Art is intelligence having fun” and I thought they were serious. In a factual sense, like go and dance like an idiot. And I suredid, ALL THE TIME while no one else really was. And people ate that shit up, they found it freeing and found me to be something to watch, a spectacle. My Snapchat and Instagram were popping because I was simply doing what I thought I was supposed to, and I must have some extra “je ne se quois” that makes me shine brighter than others, right? (Side Note: Literally today I was at the grocery store and someone I didn’t know came up and said “You’re Chetty, right? Omg, my friends and I watch your Snaps and love them. It’s a hard world, but you put smiles on our faces”. And I haven’t even been on Social Media since this all came down on me).

At this point, in my mind, from my journey I had become what in hindsight I can only label as “invincible”.  I called myself a Lawyer-Non-Lawyer, other lawyers said things like “I only play a lawyer in real life”. I was breaking barriers and I’m gay so I gayed up the entire legal scene, never wore a suit, didn’t own one, was always all colorful, always making a statement, people hated on me behind my back but kept bringing me more work. I was one of the best in my arena, while staying humble always, always leanring, and perpetually gracious (well, that is, until someone did something that was offensive or wrong or when another attorney would try and to go all lawyer on me, at which point I would snap and would verbally destroy him or her because I am a lyrical genius, probably due to my aphantasia.

But I hated the job…always did. So, upon coming to the realization that I was invincible, I simply up and quit. Like, one day I said it, let my staff go, literally mf’d the entire industry on Instagram and Facebook in an 11 minute and 17 second video with a HUGE grin on my face, and then I closed up shop and walked out. I never made any attempt to sell my queue, or the business even…I didn’t try to do anything except bounce. I had hated it for so long and now I was invincible so I KNEW that if I just “walk confidently in the direction of my dreams” everything would all just come to me as it always had. (The word “dreams”, of course, being euphemistic there).

But then it didn’t come. Nothing came. And then those same feelings of inadequacy came back that I had before…like, where do I go from here? AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME that the fact that I can’t see something in the future or envision myself doing something that I haven’t already experienced MEANS THAT I can’t see me in another profession. HAD I KNOWN that other people could extrapolate about things in the future and place themselves in professions and see if they thought it was a good fit, like trying on clothes, and work towards it if it was a good fit or immediately discount the idea if they didn’t think so, I would have asked people about it and tried to find a way around it. But, again, given the set of what I thought were fundamental laws about how all of this works, I KNEWWWWW for sure that I had this in the bag.

Now, as I look back, I can finally understand why everyone said I was so reckless and cavalier. I was operating without full knowledge, or without the full human experience like everyone else. Like I wasn’t playing with a full deck. And now, currently, my world is collapsing…condo is in foreclosure, I can’t find a job in what I used to do because I literally burned every bridge and remote companies keep rejecting me because I’m “overqualified”. Like, I purposefully destroyed my life, without knowing what I was really doing. I purposefully killed that goose that was laying all those golden eggs, thinking another one would just pop right into existence because “the universe is abundant and I’m manifesting that”.

Anyway, sorry about that rant, it’s just hard because I can’t really explain this to anyone. It sounds like an excuse and it sounds like I was just acting immaturely, but IN ALL HONESTY, I really had no idea. I knew I was different, but the way things panned out for me made me think that difference was like a superpower or that I was special, when, in reality, I am technically different or medically different or whatever, and I lack what appears to be a pretty amazing ability, and that leads to me not being able to FORESEE detrimental consequences to my decisions…if I did see them, I wouldn’t have traveled that avenue. This was the first big decision I made in my life based solely on my manifestation and now I’m crashing and burning because I had no idea I was lacking something that 98% of people have had their entire lives and take for granted because it’s so ingrained in their being. I’m not whining, I’ll find my way, now that I know what I’m working with (or not working with). I have to recalibrate EVERYTHING and gain my confidence back under these new sets of rules, but I’ll win this again. It just didn’t need to be like this…I just simply didn’t need to put myself in a world of hurt like this…it was all so unnecessary and I know I wouldn’t have done it like this HAD I KNOWN. (Further, how do you explain this to a bank that’s foreclosing on your home, you know? I thought something would just come to me and that thought is immature at best. It really wasn’t to me, though, until I understood.

Lastly, I’ve figured out a “goal” through all of this, too, it’s like my first real goal lol…it’s to make sure that kids know if they have Aphantasia…because operational awareness and situational awareness of this would have fundamentally changed the course of my life, and I would hate to see someone else fall victim to thinking they’re winning when they’re really just not playing with a full deck.

Questions
on

Hello,

I’m currently diagnosed with both Bipolar 1 and ADHD. After finding out that I have Aphantasia this weekend, I’ve realised there’s virtually no chance I have ADHD, and my ADHD symptoms can pretty much all be explained by aphantasia.

So here’s the confusing bit though.

I’ve been sectioned many times for hallucinations and psychosis during what were labelled as “manic phases”. But now I know I have aphantasia, I’m looking back at those times and have come to realise that I wasn’t hallucinating, I had just suddenly gained the ability to conjure voluntary mental images at that time. I remember writing really detailed movies in my mind, I could see them in front of me and I could write the story as it went along. And I remember being able to conjure images of things and manipulate them in my mind too.

I was really excited about this at the time, and trying to tell everyone. I instinctively knew that everyone else could already do it, and I could remember (in moving images) that I was able to do it as a child before it went away. I knew that it wasn’t unique to me because something “clicked” about how people communicate and I saw all the things I didn’t “get” before. It was incredible, so beautiful, and really ridiculously fun, like playing a computer game but in your mind. I couldn’t stop looking (yes, looking) back at my life and just having this complete sense of understanding.

But of course, trying to explain phantasia to people who have no idea that some people are aphantasic makes you sound absolutely batshit crazy.

Things I remember saying and doing:

  • “I can move things with my mind”
  • (When asked if I think I have special powers) “Yes but everyone has this same special power, it just went away for me for a really long time and it’s back”
  • “I finally “get it”, everything makes sense now”
  • Laughing to myself lots at jokes I never understood before that suddenly made sense now (can’t for the life of me remember what they were)
  • Lots of happy tears
  • Getting VERY frustrated and angry that people didn’t understand
  • Imagining and remembering movies of things in vivid detail and it just being the most amazing thing I have ever experienced by far
  • Spending a lot of time in lala land, just recalling nice things, or imagining nice things
  • Being unbelievably excitable
  • (When asked if i could see things that aren’t there) “Yes but everyone can do that”
  • Basically just looking around at things around me, and things I could see IRL triggering happy video memories and just crying with happiness almost constantly.
  • Feeling like I was finally “alive” again.

So looking back on those times, I always thought “blind mind” was normality and those things I had experienced were definite proof that I was hallucinating and psychotic, because I was able to see things that weren’t physically in front of me. Now I’m very confused and overwhelmed trying to separate it all out (and obviously because I’m back to being aphantasic it’s all so vague and I can sort of remember the emotions, and I know that these things happened, but I can’t remember them as movies).

I just wanted to share my experience and try to make sense of it a bit more, if anyone has any insight (“in”-“sight” are you actually kidding me right now, I just realised what that word means to most other people) that would be great.

I’m very hopeful that there must be a way of getting mental images back,  but also it’s super terrifying and I’m scared there’s not a way.

But I feel totally blessed that I’ve had the experience of seeing the world as most other people see it, even for short times. It really was like the world made total sense for the first time in my adult life.

 

Questions
on

Hi. I am trying to do the test to figure out if I have ahpantasia, but I do not understand the instructions. On the first question is ask me to think about a friend and carefully coneider the picture that comes to my mind. The two first options are: 1) No image at all. 2. Dim and vague. None of those fit my experience. My situation is that I get a quick flash of picture of a small part of my friend. The flash disappears in a second or two and afterwards I cannot bring the picture back. When it is gone, I do not see anything, but I can remember some of the details of what my friend look like.  So, what should I answer?

General
on

Hello I am Dennis and I just found out about aphantasia and I wonder if this is the reason why I am sooo damn bad at art when I need to draw something just from my imagination. It was always the same: “Just imagine it and draw the picture in your head”, but I have never seen a picture in my head. Therefore I hated art in school. When I have a reference picture tho it gets a little easier but its still hard for me to put in “original” ideas from myself. Now I am just thankful that I dont have art classes anymore in school. So what is your experience with art?

General
on

This is where I am stuck…I get Aphantasia, I understand that I don’t have a “Mind’s Eye” and that every reference I have ever made to “seeing” something in my head or “visualization” has always been euphemistic or metaphoric (and, group in with that every reference I heard everyone else say about them “seeing” in their mind). And I have known this for over a year now, but what I don’t find anywhere is the “HOW might my entire life have been different had I either not had Aphantasia or had I KNOWN what was actually going on in other peoples’ minds.

Here is a post I made on Stephen Levithan’s “3 Things I Learned From Having Multisensory Aphantasia That Changed My Understanding Of The World” Article. I am reposting it here so more people can see it (and more people can give some feedback, perhaps). Further, I am posting this because I really think I acted recklessly, cavalier, and irresponsible in my decisions because I couldn’t see something in the future that could be detrimental. I believed I was “manifesting my own destiny” and “visualizing what I wanted” when I never really could have been able to. And even further, I know, like I KNOW KNOW, given my decision-making habits and all of my attempts to change the course of my life, I KNOW that if I would have been able to visualize something other than just the present, to see something into the future, I wouldn’t have deemed not seeing children or a family as me “not wanting children or a family”. I wouldn’t have so abruptly quit my law practice and burned all my bridges on purpose. Really, I never would have become a lawyer at all. Here’s what I wrote:

***

I. Am. Legitimately. Shook. About all of this…

I found out about my Aphantasia maybe a year ago. It was a HUGE deal to me, but it didn’t seem to be to anyone else (except my therapist, lol), but after a month or two of me incessantly talking about it, I finally took a bite of the “imaginary apple” that is “we, Aphantasics, simply experience life differently”. I mean, I had made it this far in my 42 years on this planet, so I thought “it is what it is” and moved on not giving it much thought thereafter. Until now…

From the age of 11 (until about a year or two ago) I worked in the legal field along with the mortgage banking industry. They were family businesses, so I started as the copyboy at our Mortgage Company and remained there, increasing my duties, all the way through college, at which point I was managing the Mortgage Company and I had a pretty significant role in our Family’s Law Firm. I ultimately became an Attorney (which I never wanted to do, but I could never figure out anything else to do), specializing in Real Estate Transactions, both Residential and Commercial, and my business and I flourished, adding employees, pushing closing after closing and transaction after transaction, exceeding expectation after expectation and winning award after award. I was like a phenom, well respected, and made a TON of money. But I hated it. And after practicing law for 15 years (and working in the same building for 30 of my 42 years in this life) I could no longer take it and pretty abruptly I just quit, let my entire staff go, and burned every bridge I could in the process so I could never go back.

Stupid? Perhaps. However, I had to get out. Had I stayed I was going to (a) end up in jail or disbarred (l because I refused to conform, I never fit what the Disciplinary Board of the Pennsylvania Supreme Court deemed to be a “normal” Attorney, and my mouth doesn’t stop, especially then, so not was a matter of time before they disbarred me on some technicality, as they were starting to get all over me for things that I couldn’t have done wrong)…so, I disbarred myself first lol) or (b) that job was going to kill me medically from a heart attack or something. I was simply PERPETUALLY angry and just a mean person…and the sleep deprivation! There were literally weeks that I worked 100 hours…I documented them, it was pure utter insanity. 

(I will try and be as concise as possible for the remainder of this, but since adjectives and descriptions are the pictures that I “see” in my head, brevity is not a strong point for me (but at least I know why FINALLY)). 

Now, as I stated above, I never wanted to be a Lawyer. I had a scholarship to PittLaw but I never showed up my first year. I took a year off and moved to LA to be an actor. That didn’t work out so I started at PittLaw the year after Undergrad (they held my scholarship, so that was dope). Then I quit law school after the first semester. Then I tried to go back and quit again. Then I finally went back 2 years later and finished and then came back home to start my Practice.

I am telling you all of this for a specific reason. That is because in between all of those times of quitting law school or not even starting law school and all that time that I spent in between my stints in law school I was simply never ever able to find something else to do with my life. It was like I was bred for law and that was it. Like, I’m pretty smart, especially at school, so maybe I’d go back to school…but for what? Or maybe I’ll start my own business doing something creative…but what? I further stated earlier that I burned every bridge when I quit my Practice a year and a half ago…why? Because I knew I’d go back like I always did…like the burning of the bridges would FORCE me to find a new career path.

But here I sit, all these years later and all those accolades later and all that money is gone, all of my retirement is gone and I might lose my condo now and I still cannot think of what to do next for work. Months and months passed where I was thinking that there is something wrong with my psychologically and of me having to deal with my family all looking at me like I’m crazy and “You have to find a job, Chetty” and I thought the answer would pop up at some time here…but it never did. And then, last week, it dawned on me…I always reverted back to law because I AM UNABLE TO TRAVEL A PATH THAT I HAVE NOT ALREADY EXPERIENCED. In other words, my inability to visualize or imagine  hindered my ability to find a career that I actually would have enjoyed. I’ve always been good at whatever it was that I was doing, but only if there was a syllabus or if the path was laid out for me, as in my family businesses. Take that away and put a fork in the road (which I never knew people could ACTUALLY VISUALIZE) and I’m simply standing at the edge of what is happening in the present moment and that’s it.

I get all of the things and revelations that everyone with Aphantasia talks about…the “oh, you’re for real when you visualize stuff…it’s not a metaphor or euphemistic”. And that was a shock…but no one (that I have seen yet, at least) discusses HOW THEY MAY HAVE DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY had they known that almost EVERYONE in society experiences life differently than we do. I liken being able to see images and to foretell through visual experiences how certain actions one takes will or could end up as a superpower. Fore, had I been able to FORESEE losing my Condo in a literal sense, maybe I wouldn’t have made the decision to quit to abruptly or to burn all the bridges.

Don’t get me wrong, I KNEW that if I couldn’t pay my mortgage I would lose my house…but I had never EXPERIENCED it before so it wasn’t that real to me. FURTHER, had I KNOWN that I was going to feel the same way (directionless) still at 42 as I did when I was 18, I wouldn’t have done those things or acted (as others would tell me, and which I didn’t understand until now) as reckless or cavalier in my decision making. The fact that I couldn’t see or imagine other avenues or trajectories for me to travel for a career AND THE FACT THAT OTHERS COULD AND CAN would have changed everything about my life.

I have never regretted a moment in my life…I am a poster child for only looking forward and from learning from things in the past, but had I had ANY idea that I was being hindered so intensely with an inability to foresee or imagine or whatever, I would have sought counsel or understood WHY I thought I had to be a lawyer. I mean, I wouldn’t have ever even applied to law school in the first place. I felt so dumb for not being able to see another career path. I tried and I tried and I always boomeranged back to law.

Now I up that creek…I’ll figure it out…I always do, and I’m blessed to see how my Aphantasia affected how the first 42 years of my life panned out…and I’m further blessed for all of the great fortunes I have been given in this life, but my sole purpose for writing this epistle on your page (sorry, this is where this landed haha), is to raise awareness so that other people that experience life the way we do can UNDERSTAND that other people can visualize things they have never experienced. And from that visualization they can make a somewhat “educated” guess as to whether or not they should “decide” to go that route or not. I always thought I just didn’t want a family or kids…it never dawned on me that just because I couldn’t SEE IT in my future doesn’t mean that I necessarily don’t want it! I just wasn’t able to see all the joy children bring to a parent because I never experienced it.

That you for listening or reading if you even made it this far. I’m doing my best to accept this and get passed it, but it’s going to take me a minute, but I just don’t want someone else to get stuck in a lifelong rut because they didn’t realize that other people have something they don’t have…a mind’s eye. I literally probably would have done everything different had I only known. At least I know now…

***

If anyone has anything they’d like to add or any guidance as I am now moving forward, that would be spectacular and much appreciated. I feel defeated and, even worse, I could have never known this as Aphantasia was only named 6 years ago. It’s almost as if I wish I never found out about it sometimes…thank you.

Questions
on

As an aphant, on a day to day basis my imagination and recall is devoid of senses which could be said to relate to the phenomena of the eyes or ears.

However, in my experience, hallucinogens such as psilocybin or LSD do activate this ability. Deep meditation also activates the ability to see with the minds eye – although I must note that this has only happened a handful of times after periods of long meditation (1 hour, twice per day).

Does anyone have any information on this?

N.B. As an aphant it is naturally very difficult to imagine ‘the minds eye’, and upon the realisation of aphantasia within us there is a period which we all go through where we feel a sense of loss, grief almost for that which we cannot experience – almost as if this is a disability. It’s cool to experience the minds eye and settle in the knowing that it is only a visual or audio extension of what we already operate with. Definitely nothing to grieve over. Aint that good news!

General
Posted byJohn Bennett
on

Just learned the term (Aphantasia) {see spellcheck does not even know it}. I always knew I could not picture things in my mind, however, I had no idea that most people could experience or recall their other senses. I, am apparently void of all sensory recall. I do however, have a good memory. This memory is pure thought. I have no idea how it works. I also do not know if other people experience a flood of ideas every time they face a challenge, or new information about a subject. It’s as if every thing I have ever experienced relating in someway to this new thing gets tagged. It gives me possible solutions to challenges. I have studied my whole life, I have a need to know things. One problem I have noticed in other post, plages me. As I experience the thoughts that invade my mind when I consider a challenge, I can be easily distracted. I am happy to find this subject being discussed, I thought I was alone. It would be nice to find that this condition might be helpful to the challenges we all face. Maybe some of us should get together and see if our unique thinking process has advantages.    

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