Healing from trauma with aphantasia

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I grew up in a domestic abusive environment and my primary coping mechanism for dealing with that was disassociation (essentially tuning the world out). I’m now in therapy and It’s been frustrating because I can’t seem to recall any memories.

I feel that part of that is due to the trauma and disassociation but the other part I think is aphantasia. My therapist asks me to think back and try to recall images from memories and I feel extremely frustrated because I’m unable to.

Has anyone else encountered this barrier? How can I heal from my trauma if I can’t truly recall any memories/images?

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I feel that. I’ve found it very difficult to try to go to therapy to talk about my own issues because I just can’t seem to remember instances of trauma, either. I haven’t really found a good way to overcome this barrier, and it’s why I gave up trying cognitive behavoural therapy.

The one thing from CBT that I liked and I’m trying to get back into are thought diaries. There’s an app on my phone that I use that I can write down my thoughts and the situation they came from, and I can challenge the negative thoughts that come with it. At the time of finding the app, I didn’t exactly know why I preferred writing it down rather than doing it mentally, but then found out I have no internal voice. So it feels downright impossible to stay on task in my head and challenge negative thoughts when I can’t even hear myself think.

I can also use it as a written down memory to talk about certain things to the therapist. Maybe it’s not as helpful now because you can’t remember trauma from your past, but it might be a good idea to start logging instances now that might relate to your past trauma to try to help you heal from them. i.e. you may not remember the trauma from your past, but can log and remember how it affects your life now. If that makes sense?

on January 19, 2020

I’ve found writing really effective too as you mentioned. I’ve been keeping a little journal where I write down all sorts of stuff (present, past, etc.). Have you ever heard of EMDR? I was going to try it next week with my therapist. I heard lots of people have had success with it, but it seems like it relies on picutring images from your past…it will be interesting to see how/if it works with me.

on January 19, 2020

I haven’t, but I’d like to know if it is effective for you to!
Have you thought about bringing up your aphantasia with your therapist either before or after the treatment?

Hi there, I have been having some similar struggles. I can recal the memories and often have vivid nightmares but during the day when I am awake and conscious I am not able to visualize the experiences/images. EMDR has been recommended but I am nervous about it because I know a large portion of that treatment modality is visualizing. I am wondering if you ever ended up trying EMDR and what your experience was like.

This is something I spent YEARS wrestling with. Every spiritual guidebook or therapist tries to get you to dive in and reconnect with the feelings of your past trauma.  “Where do you feel it in your body,”  “How does that make you feel?”  Etc. etc. etc. Modern psychotherapy ASSUMES there is lasting trauma because most people continue to relive those experiences in their minds.  The greatest gift of aphantasia is that  we can look back upon our past traumas objectively and take from them learning experiences to move forward with.

I know full well how I felt about the traumatic things that have happened to me in my life, and I am grateful that I no longer have the feelings that occurred at the time of the trauma.  The question you ask is “How do you heal from the trauma?” and the answer is you already moved on.  98% of the world do not move on the way we do, so the real question is are you really repressing or just being told that you are by people whose minds recreate their own traumas over and over and so cannot comprehend the idea that anyone else can just let go?

Unless you are lashing out randomly at things that indicate a connection to past trauma, then I say stop listening to what the common experience is.  We are relieved of the work that most people have to do to let go of the emotions they attach to events.  Count your blessings, and be grateful.