Total Aphantasia - I feel broken or unnatural

5 min readByMossfeld H

Hello, all. About a year and a half ago, I'd say, around mid to late 2024, I started wondering if I have aphantasia. I learned about it from an animation youtube channel, but I didn't pay it much mind when I watched the video until years later when I remembered it. I thought my experience was normal, as most people assume their experiences are average unless proven otherwise. I assumed not seeing anything was the standard, and that when people said “picture this”, it was just a simplified way of saying “conceptualize the thing I'm about to describe to you”, which is how I experience the world. I see absolutely NOTHING in my mind. It's completely black. I've tried meditating, I've tried those videos where it plays that binaural music and gives you instructions to try to hypnotize you into seeing better with your mind's eye, nothing has ever worked. Since I can remember, I've never been able to see anything in my mind's eye: Not blobs, not black and white, not blurry, just pure nothing. Literally just the inside of my eyelids, which is usually blackness unless there's a light source making the fleshy color of my eyelids visible even when they're closed. No pictures, no color, no nothing. My entire life and processing system is concepts and feelings. My memories aren't visual, I don't recall memories in the sense it's like pulling up an old photo and being able to describe it based on the mental image, I just remember. Like, my grandma passed away years ago, I don't remember what she looks like off of the top of my head without a photo, but I can list details I remember, like her hair was graying, she had a larger build, and she had a specific pink shirt she wore a lot. I do not remember my grandma, I remember details I've memorized about her, and the feelings and experiences associated with her, like feeling happy or excited to go to her apartment because her complex had a little playground and I enjoyed playing on it, or that she often had a lingering smell of body odor in her last few years because she was disabled and struggled to shower, so she wouldn't shower for multiple days at times, or take baths and struggle to clean every part of her. This applies to everything I have ever experienced. I do not remember images, I cannot see images in my head, everything I know and every memory I try to recall is just a mixture of remembering how I felt in the moment, details I took notice of, and sensory input in that moment or experience. Like, I know I love and care for my friends because all of my conceptual memories, without me thinking deeply about specifics or being prompted with a recall cue, are warm, nice, or remind me of positive emotions. Same with bad memories, if I remember something associated with feeling a negative emotion, I know that it was bad or not fun, even if I can't remember anything else or try to replay the memory because I literally can't see anything.

My entire existence is concepts, and I thought that was normal. I thought everyone experienced that, but apparently, they don't. I took the Vividness of Visual Imagery Questionnaire and got a 16, the lowest score possible, and it said only .8% of people who have taken the questionnaire have responded with the same answers as me. Other people see stuff, even if it's just blurry blobs or something colorless, and some people can even see things vividly, as if it's really happening. My fiance is one of those people, he has hyperphantasia, he can see things as if they're happening in real life if he focuses. Like, if I were to ask him to imagine my hand is on fire, he can do it, and he can describe it to me in detail. And I see nothing. Even if I close my eyes and try to focus as hard as I can, nothing has ever happened. Everything is just concepts, and when I try to reference things from real life, it's sort of like clip art. Like, my brain will simplify items in the world to their most basic details, like clip art makes simple versions of things like trees or a stick figure person, and that's how I conceptualize. I conceptualize a prototypical, clip art level of detail version of whatever prompt I'm given, like the classic apple question. I can't see anything, but obviously I know apples are usually red, and in most depictions, specifically clip art or cartoon depictions, they have a little brown stem and a singular green flower, often on the right side of the stem. I can't SEE it in my head, I just know that's what it is.

Does anyone else experience total aphantasia? What are some things you've found you do that other people don't have to because they can visualize things? How does it impact your daily life? What have you done to cope with not having the ability to visualize things, even vaguely? I feel so alone in my experience, and I've never met anyone like me. My mom and brother have hypophantasia, they see like black and white or blurry, unsaturated versions of items, but I haven't met anyone who just sees absolute nothingness. It feels incredibly isolating, and I feel like there's something wrong with me. If anyone can relate to having absolute aphantasia, please comment! Thank you.

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aphantemmadot4c2•recently•edited

I am still not convinced this is not still made up.😂The first person I asked -coworker- also can not visualise anything, no sound no music no touch no nothing.If other people really can imagine things, I ll find that cool. I am not lacking something!

Lois Tucker•recently

I just learned I have total aphantasia, yet the only thing disturbing is the idea that OTHER PEOPLE think it's weird. It's how I've always been. I've gotten along fine without seeing things in my mind's eye. I'm sorry you experience it as distressing. It's possible to do all the "visualize a safe place" and "concentrate on a gold light" meditation-type stuff without seeing something actually in your mind's eye. It's about focusing your attention and you can do that with the darkness behind your eyes. I'm quoting a TED talk guy here: There is no true normal out there and difference is not deviance. https://www.ted.com/talks/alex_rosenthal_can_you_picture_things_in_your_mind_i_can_t?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

Mark Harris•recently

I experience total aphantasia. When I close my eyes, I see nothing but blackness. There are no colors, no flashing or swooshing lights; it’s simply an absence of all visual input. About a decade ago, I realized that almost everyone I know experiences this differently. I’m now 47, and I only discovered the literal nature of “imagination” in my mid-30s. I went through a long period of grief and a deep sense of loss and regret—that persists to this day, though it’s mostly a minor undertone when I’m reminded. I spent years, and sometimes still, reflecting on circumstances that were likely influenced by this—or at the very least, my own self-awareness and academic knowledge could have helped me navigate the difficulties that this may have caused. Upon discovering this, I almost immediately reached out to my father and siblings. After about two hours of explaining and sharing my experiences and knowledge about the matter, my father realized he has aphantasia, while one of my sisters can only see discrete images, and my oldest sibling has the ability to visualize on demand. Interestingly, two of my three children share my/our experience, while one child can vividly imagine. Funnily, in retrospect, when she was younger, she used to giggle when I tucked her in for bed because of the “cartoons that play on the back of (her) eyelids”--which I attributed to my old, incorrect, understanding of “imagination.” Since then, I’ve made an effort to be more aware of how this difference affects the reality I share with others. As teachers and counselors have interacted with my children, I’ve educated them about these topics and what techniques do/do not work well for each of them. In some ways, it has broadened and enriched my understanding of how vastly different our brains and life experiences are, which I believe is greatly understated and diminished. Here are some things worth noting: I generally have a better and more accurate memory than almost everyone I know, even without this ability. In my early adulthood, I went to art school and was very well-accomplished and recognized. I chose a career in Information Technology, and I’ve always excelled in the “visionary” aspects of my field. Since learning about this condition, I’ve tried many "visualization" techniques described (here and in various other resources), of which I’ve found very little success or influence. I’ve always felt a deep spiritual connection, but now I understand why my meditation experiences were so vastly different from others. When I read books as a child, they always simply felt like “information” to me (whether I enjoyed them or not), and I always preferred audio-visual mediums. Stress manifests physically for me, and physical stimulation (i.e. massage, bouncing a knee, moving my feet, etc.) works, whereas most (counselors recommended) techniques like “picturing myself in a safe space" have little to no influence on (or even exacerbate) my stressors. All this said, I very much relate to your message. While I do feel a bit of loss, I am now also very aware of the blessings it has likely brought. I have an extremely creative mind, and I suspect my childhood fears could have greatly disturbed me if I could have manifested my thoughts as literal visions. Also, though I fully understand the effects of reliving past trauma, I will never have to experience them with the fidelity of the literal imagery or sensation. Knowing about my limitation has given me the information and awareness to consider that others around me aren't necessarily experiencing life (or even the same events) the way I am, which can be helpful. Thank you for sharing. Perhaps there is something in my story that can help you on your journey, and I wish you the best.

Renee Gallagher•recently

Thanks for your openness and willingness to share such a heartfelt explanation, I appreciate it. I share in your experience of not seeing any imagery. I only see a deep and rich blackness - and can't create any image when closing my eyes. This has always been my experience. I too build lots of concepts and carry them with me - as memories, teaching tools, lived experiences, and basically as a lens for my life. One of my favorite things to do when I was a professional dancer, was put on music and close my eyes and dance through my routines. Do you know - I never once thought it strange that I wasn't seeing myself dance. I was moving at the pace of the motion - and, I could feel myself doing it..even while completely still. If I came to a part that I couldn't "visualize" - that was an indicator that I needed to practice that area...but, whether it was a part I could "visualize" or not- it was all still that same deep rich black nothingness. It has been only a few months now that I've known about aphantasia -and, along with the new knowledge has come a desire to reorient myself and attempt to explain or, fill in some gaps for areas in my life that have always seemed, quirky, or even challenging b/c - I've felt untethered or lacking an anchor. I'm starting to evaluate that and believe it stems from my inability to store personal visual memories...that is a skill that perhaps allow others to have these full...lengthy memories that spring to life immediately as they recall stories from their past. Unless life is right in front of me, I hold things very loosely...and, leave things where they are..and, as they are. This allows me to be very present - while, at the same time...I'm very organized and plan. So - go figure! I've not had many conversations with people about my aphantasia - the few I've attempted to have....leave people speaking to me like they need to fix me, or - challenge my experience. So, for now....I'm just quietly absorbing and evaluating....and, appreciating this new journey. You are most certainly not alone, there are others. I am here with you.

Neal White•recently

"put on music"... The one sense I can imagine is sound, including music. I hook some of my memories to sounds, much like others remember visuals. For example, I remember my mom playing the flute. Repetition imprints the sound into memory. I can also sing in my head (my minds ear?).

Neal White•recently•edited

"I can't SEE it in my head, I just know that's what it is." I understand your situation. I also got a 16 on the Vividness of Visual Imagery Questionnaire and my wife has extreme hyperphantasia. Since I discovered that aphantasia was a thing (and I had it) a few years ago, my wife and I have been able to overcome some of our difficulties communicating. We were living in very different worlds. For me, it feels like I'm missing some sort of connection in my brain. When I close my eyes, I only see black, yet I can somehow sense something is "out there", like my vision is blocked by a wall of black glass. I can sometimes see things when I (rarely) have a lucid dream. The easiest is painting splats on the wall, with dark colors. Sometimes I can even punch holes in the wall, to see what's behind it. This is something that happens at most a few times a year. You might try to have lucid dreams, which is something which can be triggered with practice. Oddly, I have a few skills that would seem to be highly visual. I'm very good and very quick at identifying those "which one of these 3D rotated shapes match?" questions on an IQ test. I just "know" which one is correct, often before I even finish looking at each of the possible solution shapes. The same thing happens with jigsaw puzzle pieces. I'm also quite good at remembering shades of color, even though I see nothing but black in my mind's eye. I just "know" when a color matches the one in my memory. If I draw a map, even a complicated one, I can find my way to the destination, even when I've lost/forgotten the map. It doesn't help to study the map; I have to DRAW it to remember it. Even though I see only black with my eyes closed, I can still trace an image hiding behind the wall. One of my difficulties is that I'm partially face-blind. I now believe that's due to my aphantasia. Seriously, I might walk right past my sister without recognizing her, if I'm out in public. You're not alone. There's nothing "wrong" with you. 0.8% is still a lot, considering there are billions of people in the world. As it turns out, my 2 best friends and my doctor (GP) also have aphantasia. It's likely you know people who have aphantasia (and they might not even know it). My friends had no idea they had aphantasia until I told them that I had it. When I tell others of my aphantasia, I usually start with a seemingly simple question: What do you see when you close your eyes? Here's something to consider: My wife says she sometimes wishes she had aphantasia instead of hyperphantasia. She had some trauma in her past and is troubled by vivid memories and dreams (nightmares). At least in some cases, aphantasia might be a blessing, not a curse. As a Software Engineer, aphantasia might even be helpful: I can close my eyes and concentrate on the problem at hand without visual distractions. My suggestion is that you concentrate on things you enjoy and not focus on your limitations. Take lots of photos and videos, so you can relive the memories you can't see.