Aphantasia and SDAM: Doubt of Personal Experience

1 min readByRobert Williams

As a 58 year old, I have only recently become aware of these cognitive architectures and realised my mental experience may be markedly different from the majority of the population's. I don't believe I create mental images (I certainly can't when I intentionally attempt to at least) and, though I have a constant inner monologue (every thought), I wouldn't say I hear it (it's more that I am it). Songs or lines from media play in my head but as inner monologue not as recalled sensor input. All my memories are also devoid of sensory and emotional content and I seem to not have the ability to project my existence into the future, or see my future self as something other than my presnt self.

All this being said, I am also (through my nature) highly skeptical of almost all truth claims, including those of my own experience. I waiver constantly on whether this is actually what I experience or some narrative I am wrapping myself in to fill some subconscious need. I don't know if my fact based memory syle has a role in this doubt as to my own nature, if it is somehow connected to my feeling of disconectedness from my past self or if I actually am misinterpreting my own existence.

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Duncan Barrett•recently•edited

WOW... You just described myself better than I could. Would also add the inability to see my past self as something other than my present self.

Vincent Baritsch•recently•edited

My question would be, why does it matter to you? Or, does it matter because others have to some extent framed what your existence is? This is to some extent a philosophical question about what is reality. I sort of get the difficulty if one believes there is a single reality independent of any differences of that perception of that reality. But even then, I suggest we need to accept that at the level of an individual it is the perception that matters, drives and forms us. What's wrong with that? It shouldn't be seen as a problem. Also worth noting that for example in the judicial system it is very clear that witnesses have an immense ability to have a view of different realities surrounding the same situation. So, yes, some doubt is good, given there is no certainty. From my perspective it is better to have some doubts about historic occurences then to let someone who is unable to doubt define the reality for us as individuals. Particularly when these others may have no ability to cognitively accept that they themselves might indeed be wrong themselves.

Tullah Nazari•recently•edited

Do other people with aphantasia think religion is kinda silly for adults or is it just me?

Josh Camden•recently•edited

From my perspective, religion is a basis for belief based on faith, and based on the definition of faith (which i hear that many people use an alternate definition). Faith - strong belief in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual conviction rather than proof. So from my view, religion is based on the foundation of belief without proof. If you remove the faith element, it cease to be a religion and become something else. Given these statements, from a rational stance, faith seems like insanity however i understand that faith is a common component of many human mental states but i do wonder if neurotypicals are more swayed by faith than atypicals. I'm not saying that one does and the other doesn't; i'm just wondering where the majority of each group lies.

Tullah Nazari•recently•edited

Damn i've never heard an answer that made more sense than this. Great reply, and appreciate your point of view. More research definitely needs to be put into this specific part of processing religion/faith.

Neal White•recently•edited

I haven't heard of SDAM before, but I seem to have many of the characteristics. My memories seem like lists of related items. I'm not reliving them and there's no emotions or other senses (with the exception of sounds). Many times, it seems my memories are more like static snapshots, almost from a third-person perspective. I do have "mental time travel", in the sense that I can mentally return to events in the past. I can't see or feel anything though (neither physical nor emotional). I can "assess my present emotions" and do not have a "disconnect" with my internal experiences, but I do have trouble recognizing my emotions and reading the emotions of others.

Josh Camden•recently•edited

In reference to your time traveled experience; my memories lack a time stamp, so i have to use logic to determine in which order memories occurred. "recent" events (say the past few years) are very difficult to determine because they lack identifiable differences, such as living in a different home, or while i was in school, etc. As an example, i know that i fell down the stairs at some point in the past few years, but have no idea if it was a few months ago, or 3 years ago.

Neal White•recently•edited

Interesting. People's lived experiences vary more than I thought possible. My memories do have a sort of time stamp, in the sense that I usually know which memories are older/newer than others and a general sense of how much time has elapsed since the event (memory) occurred.

Robert Williams•recently•edited

I am definitely in the time frame by context camp. Memories for me are "I did/saw/experienced X". There is nothing else to them and when I think about them I don't feel any describable connection to them other than I know they are my experiences. Kind of the same way when I try to picture something in my mind there is just a sense of what something looks like, nothing that could be considered visual.

Neal White•recently•edited

"in my mind there is just a sense of what something looks like, nothing that could be considered visual" Me too (except for (rare) lucid dreams), I can sense that there's something "out there", but I see nothing but black. I describe it as a wall of black glass. Glass, because in lucid dreams I can sometimes punch holes in it. A wall, because (again in lucid dreams) I can place blobs of color (mostly dark colors in purple, blue, and green) on the wall and even move them around. It's nowhere near as good as a child's finger painting though. I can mentally trace the general shape of whatever is hiding behind the wall with my eyes (or draw it), even though I cannot see the "whatever". Can you trace the edges of an invisible "something"?

Neal White•recently•edited

Robert, I've posted above your reply, since the site won't let me reply below your comment... Interesting. I am very accurate and quite quick on those "which of the rotated 3D shapes matches the example object" type questions on IQ tests. I often "just know" which is the correct answer, even before I have scanned all the potential answers. I've never really thought about it, but the mental image I cannot see is "out there, outside of my head". Specifically, I'm thinking of my childhood home, and I can sense that my viewpoint is the front yard, and I can feel the house in the distance, beyond the black wall, which strangely (I've never thought about it before) feels like it is just behind my eyeballs. Even though I see only black, the imaginary scene feels real and 3D. I feel like the mental image is there; I don't need to "produce it". What I need to do is unblock the view. It's like there's a missing connection in my brain or maybe even more like there's a switch that I can't flip, which would turn off my eyes and let my imagination access my "mental projection screen". There have been a few times when I've actually seen something on that mental "mind's eye" screen, which seem to be linked to auras (the type associated with migraines). The first time it happened, I was about 20, and it really freaked me out. I couldn't understand how my friends were not also freaked out because I WAS SEEING THINGS WITH MY EYES CLOSED!!! It was a scary feeling, which I did not like at all. It was decades later before I understood that they probably always saw things with their eyes closed, instead of black like me.

Robert Williams•recently•edited

I just tried and I don't think I can. I do make architectural sheet metal components for a living though and people in my line of work don't seem to understand how I can know what two dimensional shape I need to produce a three dimensional object. I don't really know how to explain it either. I guess it's just information without the "visual" component, maybe similar to the way a computer might be able to perform the same task. Do you feel where in your head you are using to try to produce a mental image? It might seem like an odd question but there is an area about an inch back from my forehead, two inches down from the top of my head, and slightly off center to the lefgt where it seems like I feel a sensation when I try to form a mental image. It is the same sensation I experience when I am considering abstract concepts or philosophical questions.

Josh Camden•recently•edited

I also believe i have sdam, but it doesn't help that it is so difficult to find any screening tests for autobiographical or episodic memory. at this point is is the only puzzle piece that seems to fit; i just wish there was a little bit more info to make accepting the label easier. have you heard of alexithymia? it might help explain why your own experience is one that is difficult to fully trust. google definition - Alexithymia is fundamentally characterized by an inability to identify, describe, and process one's own emotional states. This deficit often creates a profound "disconnect" that can make your own internal experiences feel unreliable or difficult to trust.

Robert Williams•recently•edited

Yes. It does seem like it would be difficult to find the opportunity to get confirmation. I, having discovered this only recently, wouldn't even know where to start And I think the nature of SDAM makes it uniquely difficult since it obscures the reference points for proper self assessment. I have heard of alexithymia and I would say I have difficulty understanding my own emotional state but I'm unsure if, again, this is a case of not having the proper reference points. I'm not sure if this is common for people who have SDAM, but it seems logical that if your memories lack emotional content you would not have the necessary reference points to assess your present emotions.

Josh Camden•recently•edited

I am probably on my own here, but i feel that its highly probably that everyone with multi-sensory aphantasia can place themselves on the normal distributional chart for autobiographical memory issues, with SDAM on one end and "my memory is totally fine" on the other. its true that we may not all have SDAM, but it seems likely that some degradation of episodic memory is guaranteed. I think of memories like threads woven together; the more threads, the stronger the memory. Aphants are missing a few of those episodic threads. My largest hurdle to accepting my own alexithymia, was the definition itself; it was written for people who diagnose, not for the lived experience. Of course i feel emotions and interoception, so i must not have it. But the lived reality is not what I "can" experience, but what i'm "not" experiencing or the time it takes to recognize those sensations.

Robert Williams•recently•edited

I have emotions as well. I laugh and cry. I love my family and am easily frustrated by things that don't meet my expectations. I know I have these emotions because of the way I act or react. But if someone were to ask me at any given time what emotion I am experiencing my answer would be dependent on my actions, not on any internal or mental sensation. I never thought to ask this of anyone but, how do most people determine what emotion they are experiencing?

Neal White•recently•edited

"how do most people determine what emotion they are experiencing?" I can't speak for most people. In general, I think people just feel the emotion and recognize it. I can easily feel and recognize some of my emotions, like happiness, or pride in a job well done. Other emotions like anger, sneak up on me without me recognizing them; instead, it feels more like frustration (for example). My memories are devoid of emotion. For example, I can remember opening presents on Christmas day as a child, yet I do not feel the joy and excitement that I'm sure I must have felt at the time. My memories don't seem to be continuous, instead they are more like a series of snapshots (with the lens cap on, so the photos themselves are all black). It's possible these emotional difficulties are because I'm on the "high functioning" side of the autism scale. Autism wasn't "a thing" when I was a child, so I was only diagnosed a few years ago.