Juliette BEHA

Interesting ! I do take a lot of pictures with my phone, otherwise I can’t remember anything. I also take a lot of selfies : not because I’m a narcissist (or, not only haha), but because I need to let tracks behind me. I have identity disorder, so without pictures, I don’t remember who I was, even a week ago. Kind of disturbing.

Excuse me for the approximative English, I’m French and not very fluent.

Thanks to this website, I’m now pretty sure I do have aphantasia, visual and auditive. It is said that it’s not a disability, but I believe that it has to be said that it impacted my whole life. But well, this isn’the question here. I have a very fresh example : I just spent three intense days, and wanted to tell my relatives what happened. But to be able to recall the memories, I have to start with the beginning, and detail facts. Only verbalising allow me to recall the memory. Or writing it down. When it is “into” me, it has no form, it’s a mess, no picture, no words. And often, if I don’t put it out quickly, it fades away, just like a dream. I have several mental health conditions, including ASD, ADHD, BPD and C-PTSD, that explained those memory issues, but during my therapy, I’ve often been asked to close my eyes and visualise. And since my psychs didn’t know what aphantasia is, they didn’t understand when I was reporting that I see nothing. So, sometimes, I was faking it. Maybe this was normal ? But those kind of exercises never gave any results. Now I understand why. When I tell people I have this condition, they are surprised, or don’t trust me : I draw, write, create from scratch. But the thing is I’m making art because without it, there’s only chaos inside. And, the thing is, I never know what I will create until I make it. I can’t previsualise. So, it’s pretty logical. At last, It was quite hard to tell if I was aphantasic or not : how can I tell I miss a sense if I never experienced it ? Like daltonians, realising they can’t see some colors very late in their life. The apple test, with the point, allowed me to say : ok, I AM aphantasic. Thank you for reading !