dyanne DiRosario

I've always had Aphantasia.I was so frustrated when I was young because I would try to explain that I didn't see pictures when I closed my eyes, and I was told I was wrong. That of course I did. I was asked if I dreamed. And yes I have vivid dreams in color. But then I would be told if I closed my eyes I'd see the same types of images as my dreams. When I said that wasn't so, they would reiterate that something I was experiencing wasn't true- it messed with my self esteem and my own self-validations.I never daydreamed. I can't daydream because I can't picture the process of what those daydreams would be. Again I was told that of course I had day dreams- again another truth I was living being told it wasn't so. I can't just sit and listen to music. I can sing and I can dance along with music, but just sitting there listening to music is incredibly boring to me.In talking with friends they visualize and daydream when they listen to music. My self esteem when it comes to my looks ( American woman- oy vay!) is always based on how I feel not on how I look , I think that is because there isn't some perfect image of myself in my minds eye...as I don't have a minds eye." When I feel good I look in a mirror and see a pretty lady and when i feel bad I look in the mirror and see an ugly/fat/whatever gal. When it comes to members of the opposite sex their looks mean very little as I can't really remember what they look like. I used to have a friend in my teens who hated that I could never tell her the eye color of the latest crush I had. I also have a dear friend from my youth who is a fashion designer and it drives him nuts that I never remember any outfits unless it was something we took a picture of.When things were difficult someone suggested meditation and the amount I hated it surprised everyone who knew me. I believe now that seeing thing in your minds eye is a necessary part of the meditative process. One that I am woefully unable to do. It was suggested over and over and until I knew the word and definition and reality of aphantasia.As we devolve into turbulent times I find the lack of truth clicks into the sense of reality, or lack thereof that I had growing up with this. It's being told over and over that something that is happening to you , cannot be happening to you that really messed with my head in this journey.