Zayan Haq

On “How did you first discover aphantasia?”

Hey Tom, I discovered I had aphantasia in Year 12. It was whilst studying psychology, which I have now gone on to study in university (currently in my 2nd year of my undergrad, studying psychology and creative writing), and where I hope to pursue a career in. Anyhow, It was around 2 1/2 years ago now, my teacher started the class with : “This is where some students realise something” She would then go on to explain what aphantasia was whilst consulting the textbook (Jacaranda Psychology Units 3 and 4), I remember thinking how interesting it was and how it must suck to not be able to visualise. Moments later we pulled up this very website and every student in class did the "test." I was confused upon reading the questions, but kept answering accordingly. With every subsequent question I remember feeling a rising sense of panic. I finished the test and lo' behold I fell in the 20s. I was the only student in the class to have aphantasia. Immediately I was kind of thrown for a loop, because I thought something was wrong with me or that I was missing something. In the face of those rising insecurities and the weight of my final high school exams I quickly tried to push it to the side and not pay attention to it, but it did make a lot of things come into perspective. All of a sudden my qualms with meditation not working for me, and thinking I just sucked at visualising came into perspective, it wasn't that I was bad at it, rather stemming from an inability to engage with them at all. But again, it was overwhelming, so I brushed it aside and just kept it as a constant in the back of my mind. I do recall trying to find other tests online to see if it was a one off (it was not). Since then I never did too much research into the condition, because I was scared of what I might find, I have always been very into reading, writing and immersing myself in words, so when I found out people actually saw things whilst visualising/reading/writing, I felt somewhat robbed. I have always written through the textures of the words and how they describe images rather than "seeing" them, so delving into what visualisation might encompass I truly realised the way my mind tackled this approach was vastly different to those around me. I only started really investigating the condition this year in university as I decided to write a few essays and a short collection of poetry on the subject matter. (I recently did the test again and found myself still in the low 20s) 2 of my subjects I took this semester helped me investigate and unpack this further. I took a meditation subject to understand the science and art behind it, trying to investigate how someone with aphantasia might navigate the practices, and as a writer I decided to try use poetry as a means of expressing my experience with aphantasia, and am currently writing a short collection to capture this. My experience with aphantasia has lead to numerous discussions with those around me, with teachers and friends and classmates all comparing themselves with me and something I lacked. Even though I feel envious at times, I'm constantly reminded the way I experience thing doesn't make me less, through the ways I've learned to adapt, most of the time without even realising it. I've found myself adopting strategies to tackle social interactions and maintain relationships that others tell me they wish more people would adopt. Because they think society would take a moment or two to slow down and really think about what they're doing and saying, to be kinder. So in a way it makes me think maybe aphantasia has made me think a little harder, and that's made me a little softer. But, yeah I found out I had aphantasia 2 1/2 years ago and I don't think I regret it. Anyhow, I'll keep writing and keep learning and look forward to see what aphantasia has in store for me and my fellow aphants. - Zayan :)