Firstly, although I cannot empathise directly with your situation, I've also experienced significant darkness. This was my path out of chaos and into a peaceful and enjoyable existence. 3 phases: 1. Understand ego structure and mechanisms, 2. Experience your true nature, 3. Learn a coping mechanism (explained). (I cannot go into depth without writing a book I'm afraid, but I'll try my best to get the bare bones down.)   1. Understand that there are 3 ways in which we handle our feelings: suppression, expression and escape. Suppression and repression are the most common tactics for pushing feelings down. Repression happens unconsciously whilst suppression happens consciously. Both, to a large degree, are dictated by our social custom and family training, and happen continually as we meander through life eventually manifesting as intense pressure, irritability, mood swings, tension in the muscles of the neck and back, insomnia, headaches, hypertension and other somatic conditions. We repress feelings because of guilt and fear, thrusting them immediately into the unconscious as soon as they threaten to emerge and we don’t even register that we are doing it at all. This repressed feeling is then handled in a number of different ways - think of these as coping mechanisms. Of all the possible coping mechanisms used by the mind to keep feelings repressed we tend to favour denial and projection as they reinforce each other. First, we deny the feelings presence within us which leads to substantial emotional and maturational blocks. Then, the fact that we live in an observably Newtonian world where A > B > C, we look outwards for blame and project our problems onto the world and people around us. The feeling is experienced as originating externally and the perpetrators become the enemy. Our minds are fantastically complicated and capable. Regardless of what is repressed, denied and projected, we will find justification to reinforce our projections. Blame is easily placed on people, conditions, places, institutions, professions, foreigners, the rich, the poor, God, the devil, ethnic groups, political rivals, aphantasia… you get the point, but the list goes on. Anything and everything outside of ourselves can be the unwelcoming recipient of our projection. This natural coping mechanism maintains our self-esteem at the expense of others and accounts for all wars, violence, attack and civil disorder. 2. Realise that you are not your thoughts or emotions. Let me explain... Through self-inquiry (highly recommended!) and meditation (invaluable beyond comprehension), you will come to understand that the seer cannot be the seen. What I’m saying here can and should be checked experientially. These concepts are not just theoretical constructs. You can see these words, they are separate from your eyes. The eyes are the subject and this screen is the object. However, the eyes cannot see themselves directly. As you open and close your eyes, the mind witnesses what the eyes see. So the mind and senses are separate, this is why your psychiatrist and your ophthalmologist are different people. Next we can see that we have thoughts and emotions. We can see that sometimes we are happy, or sad, or annoyed, etc. We can see that in each different emotive state, thoughts emerge endlessly - we certainly cannot control our thoughts. But who is experiencing them? You witness them and since the seer and the seen are separate, you cannot be these thoughts or emotions, so you are also separate from your mind. The seer is never seen. So the ultimate seer is always the conscious awareness that underlies all experience. It is through this awareness that everything else is known. 3. Operationally, it's easier to explain complex phenomena with simplified/ abstracted stories. I need to do this now, rather than dive into the neurochemistry of thoughts etc. Thoughts emerge from energy. This energy can be given a name, like anger or desire. We then call this our feeling. The types of feelings that we want to get rid off tend to be felt in the solar plexus and no-one can pretend that they are pleasant. The trick is to remember that thoughts will come, they will run marathons in seconds, they will make little sense, essentially they are just trying to 'hook' you into some form of mechanism described in phase 1. So do not fight the thoughts, you cannot stop them. Do not try to not feel the emotion/ feeling. Do the opposite, feel it entirely. Do not judge the emotion, just witness it. With the knowledge that you are also not these transient emotions, you're the witness underlying all experience. You'll find that if you just observe this energy/emotion/feeling, it disappears very quickly. Then you're back on track. The technique just described is called 'Letting Go', it's deceptively simple but I promise it's powerful.  

Hey, also an aphant here. I would say that I sit at the complete other end of the spectrum. There appears to be a bizzare ability to intuitively know exactly how people feel, who they are and what makes them tick even after only a couple minutes together. No idea if this is a consequence of aphantasia however, I'm inclined to think that it is related because when I'm with people I watch and listen intensely with no mental chatter (or imaginings) and just end up getting filled with their feelings, so to speak. Interestingly, the content of the story in inconsequential and is almost always a warped version of the truth. So what people say almost always means nothing and how people say it means everything. Would love to know more about aphantasia in regards to emotional intelligence - would be very interesting!

Learning whilst in the traditional education machine was absolute torture. A significant contributing factor to this however, was a healthy dose of dyslexia. The prevailing experience of primary and secondary school can be summarised with extreme frustration, grief and anger. However, at about the age of 14, having been moved to a private school with smaller class sizes, a more relaxed teaching environment and extracurricular support, I (finally!) began to learn. This learning was not the content of each class but the context out of which content could be deduced. Let me try explain that: content would be factual statements - that which you are implored to memorise for exams; context would be an intuitive understanding out of which facts would appear. Classes were easiest when in the form of group chats. Getting spoon fed information in a linear format didn't work, nor did forced note taking during this delivery and attempted uptake of information. Reading over notes or re-writing facts didn't make sense either. If I was stuck on an issue I had to discuss it until, as if by magic, the understanding of the context arose and content would therefore be produced. This ability was especially powerful in chemistry, biology and physics where very little or no studying was required once the understanding was achieved. (However, the understanding of context could always be improved, but this is aside from what others would consider studying.) Although I could not read and write (to an effective level) at the time of my exams, if someone read and another wrote for me then I could answer and perform to a high level. Interestingly, if I was stuck and knew that the question demanded a simple fact with no serious mental effort, I could recall exactly where that fact was and in which jotter then recall it from a kind of emotive memory. Previously, I thought I was a highly visual thinker because of this ability to recall as if seeing a picture. However, it's not seeing in the visual sense, but through emotion. Introspectively, I believe that in regards to literacy, mental imagery may act as a symbol in the 'normal' mind which then creates a pointer towards emotions - for it appears to me that thoughts, ideas and 'images' follow from, or out of emotion. In this aphant mind, in lieu of mental imagery, the learning had to be in such a way that emotions were easily intuited: ie. group chats, group activity, videos, flow charts, literature (especially fiction).  University was/is impossible, not for lack of potential or ability but by the sheer inability to stay within the lanes of a prescribed course. After the age of 20 or so, when my reading finally clicked, my intellectual interests flew from philosophy to astrophysics to computer science to psychology and so on. Over the years the amount of time I spend learning on a daily basis has increased so that now, pretty much all I do is work, learn or socialise. Not having to remember facts has been very freeing, and has transformed the concept of learning - if I need to know something then it will appear, and if it doesn't then, well...  i'll look it up or ask someone else. Simple solution. I guess the combination of aphantasia and dyslexia has resulted in the polymath approach to learning and a social approach to life - both are extremely rewarding. N.B. It would be nice to have a degree however, I would genuinely cry if you forced me back into a class room!

Firstly, although I cannot empathise directly with your situation, I've also experienced significant darkness. This was my path out of chaos and into a peaceful and enjoyable existence. 3 phases: 1. Understand ego structure and mechanisms, 2. Experience your true nature, 3. Learn a coping mechanism (explained). (I cannot go into depth without writing a book I'm afraid, but I'll try my best to get the bare bones down.)   1. Understand that there are 3 ways in which we handle our feelings: suppression, expression and escape. Suppression and repression are the most common tactics for pushing feelings down. Repression happens unconsciously whilst suppression happens consciously. Both, to a large degree, are dictated by our social custom and family training, and happen continually as we meander through life eventually manifesting as intense pressure, irritability, mood swings, tension in the muscles of the neck and back, insomnia, headaches, hypertension and other somatic conditions. We repress feelings because of guilt and fear, thrusting them immediately into the unconscious as soon as they threaten to emerge and we don’t even register that we are doing it at all. This repressed feeling is then handled in a number of different ways - think of these as coping mechanisms. Of all the possible coping mechanisms used by the mind to keep feelings repressed we tend to favour denial and projection as they reinforce each other. First, we deny the feelings presence within us which leads to substantial emotional and maturational blocks. Then, the fact that we live in an observably Newtonian world where A > B > C, we look outwards for blame and project our problems onto the world and people around us. The feeling is experienced as originating externally and the perpetrators become the enemy. Our minds are fantastically complicated and capable. Regardless of what is repressed, denied and projected, we will find justification to reinforce our projections. Blame is easily placed on people, conditions, places, institutions, professions, foreigners, the rich, the poor, God, the devil, ethnic groups, political rivals, aphantasia… you get the point, but the list goes on. Anything and everything outside of ourselves can be the unwelcoming recipient of our projection. This natural coping mechanism maintains our self-esteem at the expense of others and accounts for all wars, violence, attack and civil disorder. 2. Realise that you are not your thoughts or emotions. Let me explain... Through self-inquiry (highly recommended!) and meditation (invaluable beyond comprehension), you will come to understand that the seer cannot be the seen. What I’m saying here can and should be checked experientially. These concepts are not just theoretical constructs. You can see these words, they are separate from your eyes. The eyes are the subject and this screen is the object. However, the eyes cannot see themselves directly. As you open and close your eyes, the mind witnesses what the eyes see. So the mind and senses are separate, this is why your psychiatrist and your ophthalmologist are different people. Next we can see that we have thoughts and emotions. We can see that sometimes we are happy, or sad, or annoyed, etc. We can see that in each different emotive state, thoughts emerge endlessly - we certainly cannot control our thoughts. But who is experiencing them? You witness them and since the seer and the seen are separate, you cannot be these thoughts or emotions, so you are also separate from your mind. The seer is never seen. So the ultimate seer is always the conscious awareness that underlies all experience. It is through this awareness that everything else is known. 3. Operationally, it's easier to explain complex phenomena with simplified/ abstracted stories. I need to do this now, rather than dive into the neurochemistry of thoughts etc. Thoughts emerge from energy. This energy can be given a name, like anger or desire. We then call this our feeling. The types of feelings that we want to get rid off tend to be felt in the solar plexus and no-one can pretend that they are pleasant. The trick is to remember that thoughts will come, they will run marathons in seconds, they will make little sense, essentially they are just trying to 'hook' you into some form of mechanism described in phase 1. So do not fight the thoughts, you cannot stop them. Do not try to not feel the emotion/ feeling. Do the opposite, feel it entirely. Do not judge the emotion, just witness it. With the knowledge that you are also not these transient emotions, you're the witness underlying all experience. You'll find that if you just observe this energy/emotion/feeling, it disappears very quickly. Then you're back on track. The technique just described is called 'Letting Go', it's deceptively simple but I promise it's powerful.  

Hey, also an aphant here. I would say that I sit at the complete other end of the spectrum. There appears to be a bizzare ability to intuitively know exactly how people feel, who they are and what makes them tick even after only a couple minutes together. No idea if this is a consequence of aphantasia however, I'm inclined to think that it is related because when I'm with people I watch and listen intensely with no mental chatter (or imaginings) and just end up getting filled with their feelings, so to speak. Interestingly, the content of the story in inconsequential and is almost always a warped version of the truth. So what people say almost always means nothing and how people say it means everything. Would love to know more about aphantasia in regards to emotional intelligence - would be very interesting!

Learning whilst in the traditional education machine was absolute torture. A significant contributing factor to this however, was a healthy dose of dyslexia. The prevailing experience of primary and secondary school can be summarised with extreme frustration, grief and anger. However, at about the age of 14, having been moved to a private school with smaller class sizes, a more relaxed teaching environment and extracurricular support, I (finally!) began to learn. This learning was not the content of each class but the context out of which content could be deduced. Let me try explain that: content would be factual statements - that which you are implored to memorise for exams; context would be an intuitive understanding out of which facts would appear. Classes were easiest when in the form of group chats. Getting spoon fed information in a linear format didn't work, nor did forced note taking during this delivery and attempted uptake of information. Reading over notes or re-writing facts didn't make sense either. If I was stuck on an issue I had to discuss it until, as if by magic, the understanding of the context arose and content would therefore be produced. This ability was especially powerful in chemistry, biology and physics where very little or no studying was required once the understanding was achieved. (However, the understanding of context could always be improved, but this is aside from what others would consider studying.) Although I could not read and write (to an effective level) at the time of my exams, if someone read and another wrote for me then I could answer and perform to a high level. Interestingly, if I was stuck and knew that the question demanded a simple fact with no serious mental effort, I could recall exactly where that fact was and in which jotter then recall it from a kind of emotive memory. Previously, I thought I was a highly visual thinker because of this ability to recall as if seeing a picture. However, it's not seeing in the visual sense, but through emotion. Introspectively, I believe that in regards to literacy, mental imagery may act as a symbol in the 'normal' mind which then creates a pointer towards emotions - for it appears to me that thoughts, ideas and 'images' follow from, or out of emotion. In this aphant mind, in lieu of mental imagery, the learning had to be in such a way that emotions were easily intuited: ie. group chats, group activity, videos, flow charts, literature (especially fiction).  University was/is impossible, not for lack of potential or ability but by the sheer inability to stay within the lanes of a prescribed course. After the age of 20 or so, when my reading finally clicked, my intellectual interests flew from philosophy to astrophysics to computer science to psychology and so on. Over the years the amount of time I spend learning on a daily basis has increased so that now, pretty much all I do is work, learn or socialise. Not having to remember facts has been very freeing, and has transformed the concept of learning - if I need to know something then it will appear, and if it doesn't then, well...  i'll look it up or ask someone else. Simple solution. I guess the combination of aphantasia and dyslexia has resulted in the polymath approach to learning and a social approach to life - both are extremely rewarding. N.B. It would be nice to have a degree however, I would genuinely cry if you forced me back into a class room!