MH
Mark Harris
@nunuther
Joined almost 5 years agoOnly recently discovered that I'm experiencing the World in a unique, and 'blind' manner. Attempting to reconcile a little grief, a little confusion, and a lifetime of navigating in the dark.
@nunuther
Joined almost 5 years agoOnly recently discovered that I'm experiencing the World in a unique, and 'blind' manner. Attempting to reconcile a little grief, a little confusion, and a lifetime of navigating in the dark.
I experience total aphantasia. When I close my eyes, I see nothing but blackness. There are no colors, no flashing or swooshing lights; it’s simply an absence of all visual input. About a decade ago, I realized that almost everyone I know experiences this differently. I’m now 47, and I only discovered the literal nature of “imagination” in my mid-30s. I went through a long period of grief and a deep sense of loss and regret—that persists to this day, though it’s mostly a minor undertone when I’m reminded. I spent years, and sometimes still, reflecting on circumstances that were likely influenced by this—or at the very least, my own self-awareness and academic knowledge could have helped me navigate the difficulties that this may have caused. Upon discovering this, I almost immediately reached out to my father and siblings. After about two hours of explaining and sharing my experiences and knowledge about the matter, my father realized he has aphantasia, while one of my sisters can only see discrete images, and my oldest sibling has the ability to visualize on demand. Interestingly, two of my three children share my/our experience, while one child can vividly imagine. Funnily, in retrospect, when she was younger, she used to giggle when I tucked her in for bed because of the “cartoons that play on the back of (her) eyelids”--which I attributed to my old, incorrect, understanding of “imagination.” Since then, I’ve made an effort to be more aware of how this difference affects the reality I share with others. As teachers and counselors have interacted with my children, I’ve educated them about these topics and what techniques do/do not work well for each of them. In some ways, it has broadened and enriched my understanding of how vastly different our brains and life experiences are, which I believe is greatly understated and diminished. Here are some things worth noting: I generally have a better and more accurate memory than almost everyone I know, even without this ability. In my early adulthood, I went to art school and was very well-accomplished and recognized. I chose a career in Information Technology, and I’ve always excelled in the “visionary” aspects of my field. Since learning about this condition, I’ve tried many "visualization" techniques described (here and in various other resources), of which I’ve found very little success or influence. I’ve always felt a deep spiritual connection, but now I understand why my meditation experiences were so vastly different from others. When I read books as a child, they always simply felt like “information” to me (whether I enjoyed them or not), and I always preferred audio-visual mediums. Stress manifests physically for me, and physical stimulation (i.e. massage, bouncing a knee, moving my feet, etc.) works, whereas most (counselors recommended) techniques like “picturing myself in a safe space" have little to no influence on (or even exacerbate) my stressors. All this said, I very much relate to your message. While I do feel a bit of loss, I am now also very aware of the blessings it has likely brought. I have an extremely creative mind, and I suspect my childhood fears could have greatly disturbed me if I could have manifested my thoughts as literal visions. Also, though I fully understand the effects of reliving past trauma, I will never have to experience them with the fidelity of the literal imagery or sensation. Knowing about my limitation has given me the information and awareness to consider that others around me aren't necessarily experiencing life (or even the same events) the way I am, which can be helpful. Thank you for sharing. Perhaps there is something in my story that can help you on your journey, and I wish you the best.